Gwen (not her real name)
wrote:
Recently my husband has begun to use strip clubs and cybersex
boards as a way of becoming aroused so that he can have sex with
me. I am 44 and experiencing a resurgence of my sexuality. He
says he was becoming apathetic towards sex and wanted to find
a way to keep up with me. Now that he's told me this, I'm having
problems dealing with it.
I'm feeling like he's got to get off on other women before he
can be intimate with me. This is not a boost to my ego, particularly
during a time when one can see one's attractiveness fading. I
feel like not being the aggressor anymore because he's lusting
after other women, not me. Please help!!!!
Dr. Einhorn replied:
Generally, it's healthy for a marriage when both partners are
interested in and considerate of one another sexually. Sexual
problems in a marriage can be the result of lots of causes; physical
causes should always be considered, for which there are a range
of medical treatments. There are differences in sexual needs
and preferences both between the sexes generally and between
individuals. Emotional problems in the couple's relationship
can lead to sexual problems. It's not really possible to diagnose
or treat a couple's problems over the net, but there are some
questions we can ask based on what you've said whose answers
might shed light on your situation. If these questions aren't
the right questions, you might think of others. Finding the right
questions takes us a long way toward finding the real answers.
It appears that your husband is trying to be there for you, although
in an indirect way. He doesn't seem completely apathetic towards
sex if he can be aroused by strip clubs and cybersex boards.
This leads to the question of what he finds stimulating about
these situations that he's not finding in his marriage. Strip
clubs and cybersex boards are more about fantasy than reality;
they don't usually lead to consummated sexual relationships.
He may not actually want other women so much as to feel something
that he fantasizes about them, which he isn't feeling in his
marriage. If that's true, then what might he be looking for?
Men sometimes see sex from a win/lose point of view. They talk
about "scoring;" if he wins then she loses. It's obviously
unhealthy, but characteristic of a certain part of male culture,
and paradoxically makes such men vulnerable to women who play
on their needs to feel strong by pretending to be dependent.
In the crude locker-room culture that characterizes so much of
men's sexual education, there is often no other, richer, more
harmonious, romantic, sane or balanced model of sexual relationship
available. What is your husband's view of sexual relationship?
What model would he like to see in his marriage with you?
What about your view of your relationship with him? Your description
of your resurgence of sexuality seems to be a self-referenced
one. From your description it seems that your increased sexual
interest might be more about you than about him. There's nothing
wrong with that; there are ebbs and flows and cycles in all our
processes, including sexuality. But I wonder if your husband
might feel none too important in the process; like a man who
just happens to be around and expected to perform? If that's
the case, and if there's a way to show him that you value him
personally, perhaps his need for outside stimulation would diminish.
Sometimes fear of impotence causes men to avoid sexual encounters,
especially if they unconsciously subscribe to the belief that
a man should always be strong. For some men, the "score"
mentality makes sex easier by making it a challenge to overcome
rather than an opportunity for sharing joy in relationship. Although
men's sexuality is often portrayed as always available for any
willing woman, it is, in fact, much more related to and affected
by emotional and relationship issues than current sexual folklore
allows. Is support and strength a quality that you and your husband
share as partners in your relationship, or does he feel that
he always has to be the strong one?
Your husband may be troubled by feelings of diminishing sexuality
at the same time that yours is increasing. If he's concerned
about not being able to satisfy you, your sexual advances may
be troubling to him for that reason. It's at least possible that
he's really trying to get himself in the mood, but if he is,
you and he might want to find out why he has to do it this way.
Perhaps there are ways that you can help each other get in the
mood?
One line of questioning would be to explore your husband's age,
health, and emotional state. Premature loss of sexual appetite
can be a symptom of a physical condition, or due to depression,
which can be treated with individual and marital therapy, and
with medication. Antidepressants may have a sexually dampening
side effect, so the prescribing physician will have to be informed
about this concern. If your husband is already taking an antidepressant,
he could be experiencing sexually dampening side effects and
seeking extra stimulation to try to offset it.
I wonder if each of you might not feel somewhat depersonalized
(treated as less than a whole person) by the other. This is a
common problem in relationships that can affect sexuality, which
can be solved by becoming "tuned up" with one another,
listening and becoming more aware of each other's needs. We're
all creatures of habit and marriages get into ruts just like
individuals. John Gottman's recent book, The Seven Principles
For Making Marriage Work (available at Amazon.com) is a
good place to start looking at how to tune your marriage up.
Gottman has made a career out of studying real marriages. His
attitude has been that of a learner rather than that of someone
who has his own pet theory to confirm, and he has some important
things to tell us about this most important of subjects. Of course,
both partners have to want to "tune up," even if one
does more than the other.
If these turn out to be the wrong questions, they could still
help lead to the right ones. There are any number of things that
could be going on in your marriage, and that's why therapy needs
to take place in person and over a long enough period of time
for the therapist to really get to know the individuals and their
relationship. I certainly agree with your subject--"Marital
Help Needed--" and recommend that you and your husband seek
professional help for this potentially serious problem. It's
important that you find a therapist with whom you both feel comfortable.
You might check my past columns archive for the one on "Selecting
a Therapist."
Good Luck! |
