Questions and Answers: divine

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Valerie wrote:

So,

I am in a relationship at the moment, which has been going on for three and a half years now.

We met at university, in the first few weeks, I just thought he was divine, amazing looking, so proud, and strong, but with a sense of mystery. We began as an on and off couple, in the early stages, as he wasn't sure a relationship is what he wanted straight off at uni, and we struggled to develop as a 'couple'.

In second year uni we had a break up, where I felt we weren't on the same wave length, in that he needed to grow up a bit more, and I wasn't his number one. A week later we were back together. In third year again we broke up, this time for longer, 2 months, with him saying he wanted more independence and me saying I wasn't that happy, again feeling I wasn't getting enough attention. This year he is working full time while I am still studying, we are doing long distance, as uni is a couple hours plane flight away. I am on holiday from uni at the moment, and I thought it would be great to see him, and we could do lots of fun stuff together when he finishes work and in the weekends, but we have hardly done much at all. I got really upset that he was too tired to hang with me on the one night and I told him I was getting really frustrated by it. He said it is just tough cause I don't have much to do and he is really busy with work. I know this is true, but I want to be wanted by him a bit more.

I feel pathetic, cause I am always the one bringing up issues. He never seems to have a problem, and when I do tell him I'm upset about something he doesn't react. He often pretends nothing has happened, and if he seems a little down and I ask him are you ok? he answers with a tone that says of course I am what a stupid thing to ask, and so then I feel silly to ask anything emotional.

I have been an absolute emotional mess.

I cry lots, when he says he cant be bothered doing anything in the evening, and my day is swamped with thoughts about him and whether I should stay with him. Maybe I need to make some changes within myself, I just don't know.

When I'm with him I often find myself day dreaming about being with someone else, someone more funny, understanding, and open minded to me and my dizzyness and sillyness and sensitive to my feelings when I express them. Help, I'm driving myself mad.

I claim to love this boy, but how can I love him when I want all these other things from him that aren't there?

Should I try to make this work?

Or should I get out of it?

Valerie

Dr. Einhorn replied:

Hi Valerie,

Thanks for your letter, so well written, thoughtful and passionate. My attention was taken by your comment about your boyfriend's "sense of mystery." It could be that your problem is somewhere in there. It might be helpful for both of us--to you for thinking about your situation and to me for providing a better answer--if you can take some time to think about what this "sense of mystery" was--how you experienced it, and what there was about your boyfriend that elicited this reaction in you--and try to actually describe it, just as dynamically as you've described the other aspects of your relationship.

If you can do that in reply, matters might be clearer to both of us.

Dr. Einhorn

Valerie replied:

Hi Dr. Einhorn,

Thank you for your reply. Since I last wrote, we have broken up. I am still interested to answer your question though, as I really don't want to run into the same problem in my next relationship.

I think initially I was attracted to what I saw as confidence, and self assurance, and the more distant he was the more confident he appeared.

Then I set out to have him for myself, and perhaps it was like a pride thing.I wanted to prove to myself that I could get this guy. I thought he was sooo good looking and thought everyone else must think so too, and this sounds horrible but there may have been a part of me which wanted something I knew everyone else would envy.

I know that when assessing whether I want to get into a relationship with someone else I need to think just what is it I like about this guy and there is a difference between arrogance and confidence, and arrogance is not what I want.

I’m not quite sure why I was attracted to the mysteriousness, or detachment, I think maybe deep down I didn't want to get close to someone either, but that is not true because I do.

Do you have any other advice for me and where to go next?

Valerie

Dr. Einhorn replied:

Hi Valerie,

Is there someone in your life, especially when you were young, who reminded you of this fellow? Someone distant, someone whom you were motivated to win over as a kind of challenge?

Dr. Einhorn

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